Awake

Kitchen: still messy, but much cleaner.

Teeth: still hurting, but the appointment has been made.

Pile of letters: still high, but shrinking.

Work: still crazy, but at least interesting.

Hot chocolate: still cooking, but nearly done.

My soul: still shaky, but much better.


Writing that last post and pressing "Publish" gave me permission to do something about the state of my life. (Don't ask why I needed permission, or whose permission I had to ask, I don't know either. It's a metaphor that works for me.)

Having written all that and started talking about it (here, in SL, with G and the Lioness (and Sis, look for an answer very soon now)) two things started to happen. First, I woke out of the depression mindset of hopelessness and impossibility. Secondly, I discovered that feeling an emotional backlash after a positive experience is surprisingly common: nearly everyone I spoke to who had been on a retreat had felt something like this afterwards (to some degree or other). Knowing that helped put the feelings in perspective. I wish I'd known beforehand that this reaction was a possibility, it would have made a difference in the strength of the feeling. I've been talking about this in the meditation group and will try to ensure that there is some kind of "aftercare" at future retreats.

In short: it's getting better. If that's too passive: I am making things better. Thank you all for your support, in comments or phone calls or e-mail that I haven't yet replied to (sorry).

Weather is improving, the forecast is for warm rain all week (how sad that this feels like an improvement). The last frost of the winter should fall tonight, so any remaining scraps of snow should be gone by the weekend. Perhaps I can finally wear the new shoes I bought during the last thaw, two weeks ago.

Work is, as I said, still crazy. The Weasel lived up to his pseudonym by quitting with ten days' notice. We've hired an external site supervisor (a guy we've worked with before, from the village where G grew up though they never met as kids) and are interviewing people to join the in-house team, but in the meantime I'm doing his work as well as mine. Even so, I'm glad to see the back of the sneaky unreliable son-of-a-bitch.

Ah, the dawn chorus just started (at 6:46). This is the first time I've heard it this year. Perhaps Spring really is here.