Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Grim

I'm having a "Ballad of Lucy Jordan" moment.

I'm not quite sure whether what I am wallowing in is self-pity or self-hatred. (It's 6am and I was woken by toothache after four hours' sleep, this may play a part in both my condition and my inability to judge it.)

Toothache: in addition to the two broken upper molars that I wrote about last year, I've had an aching lower-left molar for a few days. I'm afraid that if I go to the dentist to fix these, that he will tell me why my teeth seem to be going soft and falling apart. I actually worked up the courage to send an e-mail to his office over Christmas, asking for an appointment in January and an invoice in advance of work for 1000 Euros as a token of my earnest intentions. Had they replied with a date and time, I'd have kept the appointment, but they didn't and so I have aching teeth and (presumably) another unpaid invoice somewhere in these mountains of unopened mail (think of the landscape of Wall-E).

My life is closing down around me, I'm unable to see farther than about a quarter-hour ahead and utterly unable to take any constructive action. Getting dressed and going to work in the mornings drains my supply of self-motivation. My kitchen table is piled high with unopened letters and empty cereal boxes, because in order to open the letters and throw away the boxes I would first have to empty my paper-recycling-box, already full to overflowing, and I can't do that because don't know whether there is room in the bins outside to put the paper into. That is the state of my soul: I am unable to organize myself sufficiently to go outside and look in a garbage bin. Dear gods.

I was in Malta on a meditation retreat last week. What a laugh. It seems like centuries ago and what happened there sounds like the absurdly exaggerated tales that travellers tell to gullible strangers in bars. It amazes me that I can sit in the meditation group in SL or in the office, and nobody sees that I am broken inside. It seems ludicrous that other people look to me for support and advice (which somehow I am still able to give, how odd is that) — and grossly unfair, too: who supports me? Perhaps maintaining this false front is what's consuming all my psychic energy.

I spend a lot of time in Second Life, actually, until after 1am every night; being there lets me feel that I am still functioning normally. Who knows, perhaps it's even true. I don't know what I'd be doing with my time if I weren't there. Reading more than I do anyway, perhaps, or drinking beer in front of the TV that doesn't actually work. Meh.

I understand the appeal of going mad — really mad, rubber sheets and no-sharp-objects mad; of abandoning all responsibility for oneself and letting somebody else take all decisions and instigate all actions. Psych wards have to be awful places staffed by sadistic scum, simply to prevent themselves being overrun by would-be inmates. Take it as a sign of my state of mind that surrendering and letting myself be locked away seems like a good idea. I'm not going to do it, but it sure as hell appeals.

There. I dare you to post this.

Don't worry, I'm fine, really; at least for certain values of "fine." I am not about to jump in front of a train, nor to have myself committed, nor even to bash out my aching teeth with a hammer. I just needed to get this shit out of my head.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Udge said...

Well, I find this pretty embarrassing, but I'm going to let it stand.

February 9, 2010 at 9:58:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Savtadotty said...

There's not enough sunshine where you are. Hope.

February 9, 2010 at 12:11:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Zhoen said...

Get the fuck off SL and take the trash out lest your life get even more constipated.

If no one can see you need help, you need to tell them and ask for it. Go on, get some help. Do one thing. Courage little Udge, you can do it.

February 10, 2010 at 5:16:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Yes, at least get started and take out the trash. Open those letters, and PHONE the dentist.

February 10, 2010 at 7:44:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Shari said...

This post is a cry for help, and I wish I was there in Germany to come knock on your door.

Like Zhoen said, go ask for help from real flesh-and-blood. Where you can look that person in the eyes and get some warm hugs. You are too isolated, Udge, and 2nd Life reinforces it. Your true self wants out of the place you're locking it in.

February 12, 2010 at 7:54:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Lioness said...

Oh honey! I'm so sorry you're depressed about your life. But above all, I am so fucking proud of you! I was reading your post and even through my empathetic response - because you know I immediately wanted to cuddle you and that's alright, we all need cuddling sometimes, even Canadians - what I was most aware of was, you posted this! I know how hard it must have been and I know it must make you cringe but what is so shameful about being human and having a hard time? Everyone does at times (even Canadians). And I know you feel adrift and not sure where to go next, not even sure there's a direction you can take that will make things better, but you would not have been able to admit this to yourself a while ago, let alone post it! So yes, I AM proud of you, it is generally hard to leave one's flak exposed but particularly for Udges with very stern superegos. You may feel like less but there is more of you now.

The earth will not spin off its axis if you don't recycle for once. You do know that that is not the real reason why you're not clearing the table anyway but life has this annoying habit of going on even when we need it to stand still, so just take a big rubbish bag and dump it all in and just throw it out. Then open the bloody letters. You'll still be depressed but it will make things a little less bleak.

Also, not to belittle what you're feeling, but if an abscess is developing you will know pain like you will not believe and depression will be the least of your problems because you will want to smash your face against a hard surface to make it stop. You do not like pain, no one who is normal does. Make an appointment before it becomes truly bad.

Now, if I were there I'd have come barging in but I'm not, so I'll ring you tonight. I WILL RING. Prepare your psyche.

February 14, 2010 at 10:27:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Lioness said...

(Exposed flanks, ot flaks. Keyboard still pissy.)

February 14, 2010 at 10:28:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Lioness said...

Sorry, I realised a) one needs a voice to actually be able to speak and b) no speaking is accomplished in between coughing bouts. I'll see how things progress today but meanwhile let me rephrase it: I will ring you, SOON.

February 15, 2010 at 1:23:00 PM GMT+1  

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