Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Awake

Well, this hasn't happened in a long while. I can't actually remember (and Google cannot find, bah) the last occasion on which I was awake at this time because of insomnia - as opposed to still being awake at G's father's party.

It's a pretty morning night, the sky is clear and full of stars, the air is still and not too cold to stand on the balcony in my housecoat. A slender bright-orange crescent moon has just risen, with Saturn a finger's-length away, like an open-mouthed fish leaping after a fly. The moon's dark side is clearly visible, lit by reflected light from the earth.

I have been avoiding writing, because there are things I don't want to write about but which loom too large to be ignored. I am unhappy: dissatisfied with myself and my life, appalled at the circumstances in which I live, and afraid of the future (both my immediate own and that of the world). The words "failure" and "loser" have been used, in English and in German, and I cannot really deny that they fit. I have squandered my time and my talents as though both were infinite, and have turned away from love when it was offered as though it were my due and would necessarily recur, and have done so all my life.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Anxious said...

Oh udge
I hope that's the insomnia talking.

I can relate to feelings of dissatisfaction. It's something which is always in the background for me, nagging away.

You don't give much away here so I'm not sure how to offer comfort, but try to focus on the positives.

October 17, 2006 at 10:47:00 AM GMT+2  
Blogger zhoen said...

Hugs, Udge. It's the sleep deprivation talking. I feel like that more often than I like to think about.

October 17, 2006 at 11:56:00 AM GMT+2  
Blogger Jean said...

Oh, Udge! Yes, I feel these things too, more often than I care to think about and not only in the sleepless night hours. You put them very well. Feeling this so acutely seems often to be a painful but necessary prelude to change - so there is that, as well as focusing on the positives. Hugs from me too.

October 17, 2006 at 1:52:00 PM GMT+2  
Blogger mark said...

I haven't read here long Udge, but this mood seems unusual for you--classic "night thoughts", though: the dreaded unreasoning fear of, well...what have you got? It's natural, let it flow on by.

October 17, 2006 at 8:21:00 PM GMT+2  
Blogger Philip said...

First rule of insomnia: no posting during the night terrors.

Sorry the bleakness has you right now. One small suggestion: the world is as it is, you cannot change everything around you, so just focus on what you can work on, which is your immediate environs.

Worrying over the state of the world is a crutch, a way of perpetuating and justifying your bleak outlook on your private life (well, why shouldn't I be sad, look at how awful the world is right now...)

I'd say, stop reading the newspapers for awhile, don't turn on the news. See if narrowing your focus can provide some clarity.

You've got friends who care about you. You can always write me.

October 18, 2006 at 4:58:00 PM GMT+2  
Blogger Udge said...

Thank you, my dears, for the encouraging words, you were a great help. My mood is significantly less bleak today. I promise an answer to all who mailed me, as soon as I can see daylight ovetop of the stack of crisis work.

October 18, 2006 at 5:54:00 PM GMT+2  

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