On communication and expectations
I'd like to draw on the collective wisdom of the Internets, to help me understand a situation that just arose.
I spoke to Slim a week before her birthday, and asked whether she had any plans. She replied that she was considering an invitation from a friend to spend a long weekend away. I suggested that we might meet to do something pleasant should she not accept the invitation, she agreed that this was indeed possible. And that's where we left it: she was considering an invitation from a friend, with the possibility of our meeting should she decline.
A little background. I was brought up in Canada and lived seventeen years in England. In both cultures, politeness and adherence to social rules are seen as virtues. One of the first rules is that you do not press an invitation. If the invitee wishes to accept, they will say "yes" and that's the end of it. If they do not wish to accept, they will either say "no" or murmur something about a previous engagement. To repeat the invitation after it was declined is socially unacceptable, because it suggests that you don't believe that they have any such engagement.
If the invitee is in Slim's position of wavering between two possible engagements, the protocol is clear: it is up to the person who has a decision to make, to inform the others of their decision; the other parties must wait patiently to be informed. To repeat the invitation while the invitee is considering is socially unacceptable, because it pressures them to do something that is clearly not their highest priority - if it were, they would have accepted and declined the other invitation. (It's also just common sense: one cannot continually phone up every five hours to ask "have you decided yet?")
Those are the rules as I know them; that is how I expect the game to be played.
So I was taken aback when Slim called up this afternoon to say that of course she had not accepted the invitation and therefore of course she was now at home with nothing to do on a free weekend, and just who the Hell did I think I was not to have made concrete plans? After a torrent of abuse she hung up and now won't answer the phone.
Question: who should have called whom? Was it my job to call Slim again and ask whether she had accepted the invitation, or was it her job to make a decision and inform me of it?
posted by Udge @ 15:40
9 Comments:
Was Slim also brought up in Canada/England? In any case, it seems you're starting from different assumptions. A miscommunication seems to have taken place. It's what you (and she) do to improve communication next time that matters. Relationships: the work of a lifetime.
Well, I tend to agree. I was intensely pissed off when I wrote this post, and might just take it down.
What? That just doesn't seem right to me. It sounds to me as though you asked her to let you know. That indicates that she would let you know. How on Earth would you possibly know she had declined the other invitation if she hadn't told you?
Why would you make concrete plans if you didn't know you were going to do something?
I'd be interested in knowing how this works out.
As a long time reader of Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post ( a blunt and utterly honest advice columnist) allow me to try to offer something like her suggestions.
1. Put down your dukes.
2. Ask questions. Talk.
She was certainly wrong to jump down your throat. But if you think she is worth a try, then drop in with an apology, a cultural explanation, and if she still is angry, think about how many other people are out there. Nice people who you can talk with.
Oh dear
Well, if it's any help, as a Brit, I would have had the same expectations as you. It was up to her to inform you of her decision. She had no right to blast you, the ball was in her court and you were leaving her time and space to make her own decision.
Udge.
Looks to me like she was expecting an actual birthday call.
I think that birthday calls trump all other social considerations, because they are an excuse to call in any event. In this case, calling her on her birthday would have solved the whole issue. She shouldn't have to call you on her birthday. I'm not sure when her birthday actually was, but judging by her reaction, by the time you called, it was too late and she had already stewed. Apart from anything else, people get weird about birthdays, in my experience. Anyway, that's my two Shekels' worth, FWIW ...
Oh dear. Sounds as though perhaps you're getting the flak for something unfortunate that went on between Slim and the other friend who'd invited her for the weekend.
From the other incidents you write about sometimes, I would have supposed that you in fact tended to be somewhat less relaxed and open-ended about arrangements than some of your friends there, rather than the contrary.
Let her cool down thoroughly and then try to have a talk and explain your assumptions?
It does sound like a communication difference and I don't think she should have been upset with you. I do agree with Nominally Challenged about the whole birthday thing. Calling on her birthday, just to wish her warm thoughts, might have opened the door for her to communicate with you and just show you care.
As for making plans, I don't know about the asking again. In my culture, it is okay to ask again at a later time (like a week) to see if a decision was made. It's polite to let the other person know so they're not sitting around waiting for an answer.
I'm also curious to how this will turn out.
NC is right, the birthday is probably the main cause. I did indeed forget to call her on the day. Mea culpa.
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