Thursday, July 26, 2007

Night terrors

Awake still in the dead of night, making hot chocolate amid visions of emptiness and feelings of despair. I am close to panic, though you might be excused from not having inferred that from previous posts: it's been my habit to keep these feelings dark, for a very long time.

I have not a love or a family of my own, I haven't even had the gumption to have a pet. I have no pension, no insurance, no work, no money, and no idea what to do about any of it. How fortunate that I enjoy what I do, because I'll never be able to retire from it: I must hope to die at my desk, still able to work.

I have screwed up my life so badly, thrown away so many chances—and for what? To live here, like this? Bah.

I despise myself for writing cheerful posts about work or furious rants about politics, as though those were the things that occupy my mind. I sit here all day pretending that I'm working, hunched over like a bloody rabbit on the highway, hoping against reason that the wheels will pass to either side of me.

So hit "publish" now, and don't look back. Go on, I dare you.

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Blogger moira said...


July 26, 2007 at 3:52:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Anonymous louise crawford said...

Did we miss you in New York? We're very sad about that.

July 26, 2007 at 4:04:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Anonymous liquicat said...

i had the same kind of night last night. punctuated with desperation, intense loneliness and despair. i think this is why i don't blog.. because if i'm not putting forward some kind of cheery facade i feel like i'm betraying myself too much or i just fear that no one will like me if i'm sad. but reading this post i felt an instant connection and i would always rather know how someone is really feeling instead of how they're pretending to feel. i don't know why i don't apply this logic to myself. it's quite a double standard really. i'm glad that you posted. you are not alone.

July 26, 2007 at 10:07:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Udge said...

Thank you, my dears.

Louise: I was only there for six nights, four of which were consumed by the Ring Cycle, else I would have suggested that we meet. Next time I shall stay longer!

Liquicat: I'd noticed that you stopped posting, but were continuing to come by here (I see your ISP in the server logs), and had meant to write to ask how you were, but somehow never quite got around to it. Sorry. (BTW I thought you went invitation-only in order to free yourself from just that pressure? :-)

July 26, 2007 at 4:08:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Retire? On what? I plan on doing the same, to die at my desk if they'll let me. Also, not by choice but I guess it is, by choices made.

July 26, 2007 at 5:00:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Anonymous Pronoia said...

I'm sorry you're having a dark night of the soul--and sorry that things are difficult. Some of it is so, so familiar--depressingly and eerily so. I hope the light of day brings at least hope, if not solution. Keep on keeping on, and if you'd like to talk about it, I'm happy to listen.


July 26, 2007 at 8:49:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Savtadotty said...

Prozac time? It really helps me, I'm proud to say.

July 27, 2007 at 10:06:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Lioness said...

Oh excellent, Udge, kol hakavod! I know how hard it must have been to admit this to us all. I'm very - EXCEEDINGLY - proud of you.

All right, here's the plan: love and family of your own cannot be fixed for now so let's trust the Gods. Pension and insurance - I am certain you can do something abt that, and it would go a long way in assuageing your very legitimate fears. So ask around for options, it can't all be expensive. Work - you do have work, and you're excellent at what you do. Did you maybe mean structured work? You would not like not having your freedom, though you may enjoy the security. Money? See above re pension + insurance, here we have some pension plans that also work as insurance and give you a profit. Finally, you could always take a good look at your expenses and see if there's something you might change. Could you do something like immediately depositing 5 or 10% of whatever money you receive into a savings account? Finally, pets. Dogs require regular hours, and even cats require regular feeding and petting. Could you borrow some friends' for a weekend and see how you fare?

You don't owe your blog nothing, that's why it's here. Some people write abt whatever happens in their lives more or less freely (*ahem*) bcs that's the only way they can cope with shit; others cope by not dwelling in it, or by not doing it on their blogs. I think you will find that no one will think less of you if you do open up, and it might even make things easier. I know it does for me, I sense it could to you as well bcs there's such a d├ęcalage btwn what you need your life to be, your inner gentleman vision of it, and the life you actually live - of course that generates loads of anguish. But I think the two are more separate in your mind than IRL.

But Udge dahling, you could lift the fucking world if you put your mind to it, you absolutely could. You can do whatever you want with your life, really and truly. So, my suggestion is, and it may sound daft but it has always worked for me so why the hell not, envision the life you'd like to be living, give Life a clear message, I do believe it's not enough to dream, w ehave to dream well and anyone who doesn't believe it doesn't know anything abt my life bcs I am living proof that it works, it bloody does. It's never too late to start doing something abt one's happiness, and it needs to be done one step at a time but it CAN be done.

I'll always think you stand tall even when you hunch. And without hunching who'd find all thos funny things in the code etc of which I know nothing abt? Why Germany would suffer a blackout!

I really AM proud of you.

[Also, I see that Liquicat is not shy in your blog. *sulk*]

July 29, 2007 at 1:12:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Lioness said...

Oh, and Liquicat, do you like me less when I am sad? I know you have acknowledged how silly your double standard is, just wanted to reinforce it. :)

(Unless, of course, you do.)


July 29, 2007 at 1:14:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Udge said...

Dear Lioness, thank you for the encouraging words. You may find me quoting portions of it back to you in days to come :-)

July 29, 2007 at 2:10:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Anonymous antonia said...

udge, i think this too often, and I will end up even worse than you, because you did architecture. but with philosophy one can completely forget usual I don't have really good advice, but i can very well relate to this and send you hugs and the offer to accompany you with singing in the dark against all odds.

July 29, 2007 at 2:35:00 p.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Pacian said...

In the timeless words of Max from Sam and Max: "Me too!"

Except, I have a cat.

July 30, 2007 at 12:51:00 a.m. GMT+2  
Blogger Udge said...

... and you're also half my age. Your comment about being younger than Kournikova some time back really threw me.

July 30, 2007 at 11:55:00 a.m. GMT+2  

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