Pondering
It's none of my business, and I do try to mind my own business. And it's also possible that I am just a snobbish prig.
What does "being an alcoholic" mean? I think it doesn't mean being staggering drunk at (pick a threshold time), nor consuming (pick a quantity) of (whatever) a day, nor indulging in (pick an obnoxious behaviour) - though all of these are things that many alcoholics do.
I think it does mean drinking every day without exception, starting at noon; that one drinks in secret, hiding the evidence, and pretends that it isn't happening; that one invents pretexts for "just stepping outside," and returns with alcohol on one's breath; that one's relationships, behaviour and quality of work are frequently adversely affected.
The wife of a man I know is an alcoholic. (No names, not even anonyms.) Everyone knows, but nobody mentions it. How can you not know? how can he not know? Obviously he knows. And she thinks she's being clever. Smokers have no sense of smell, so she assumes that we cannot smell it on her breath, on her skin.
I really don't know what to do. I feel that I am abandoning him by not in some way ... well, what exactly? Fireside chats about where she hides her stash? Songs around the campfire about how painful this is?
He would laugh at the description, but: he is a gentleman, and a gentleman would not say such things about his wife. So we just look at each other, and we both know, and neither of us says a word.
It's none of my business; except that I feel that it being none of my business makes me less of a friend.
posted by Udge @ 06:54
8 Comments:
It is hard to sit by, not saying anything, and wanting to help but feeling like you're intruding if you do. Maybe the best way to be a friend is to let him know that you're there for him and if he ever needs to talk, you're willing to listen. I wish I had a better answer for you.
It's a risk to breach that wall, but I suggest you find a way. The lives of at least two people are at stake, and you have to face yourself in the mirror. (Blunt Israeli talking. We even have a word for it: "dugri.")
Expressing concern for an untreated problem is probably the least offensive approach, that still may lose you the friendship.
"I'm worried about both of you, and that elephant in your living room."
There are all kinds of alcoholics, but they all degrade their own lives and the lives around them. I don't know if there is an analogue to Al Anon in Germany, but they would have the best ideas of how to approach your friend.
I agree with the let him know you're there for him because that gives him an opening if he does want to talk and if it doesn't there's no pressure. Good luck.
Like you said, it doesn't have to be labeled alcoholism. I've learned recently the hard way the consequences of not saying anything. It may be helpful to your friend to let him know that you know what's going on.
btw, love the suit.
Uhm, hard one. If he knows then he chooses to act as though he didn't, for whatever reason. And we can never save those who do not wish to be saved. But he is your friend, you say.
Meh.
I am sorry I am so unable to help, I can only say "follow your gut". You're pretty intuitive, your gut should know what is best.
There are lots of different kinds of alcoholics, as Zhoen says -- binging lost-weekend ones and steady drizzlers. But it sounds like no matter how you define it, she'd probably fit it.
I'll take the minority opinion here and say there's nothing to be done. He and she both surely know unless they've decided not to know, and you can't tell someone something they've decided not to know. You can only piss them off.
(But like Lioness I have more faith in your intuition than I have in my theories.)
Al Anon is a good idea. I would be very surprised if it doesn't exist in Germany.
Follow your intuition, follow your heart here. And don't be discouraged if you do something and it seems fruitless - you can sow a seed which may only flower years later ... we don't always see the results.
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