Inconclusive

Well, that was very interesting, the body language alone was fascinating. They sat together on one side of the table, opposite me, the typical panel-interview situation—except that it was clear that I was the panel and that they were applying. U started things rolling by saying "it's all my fault, I made this problem" which to be honest is about 75% true.

U has given up the immediate cause of her behaviour—this was the first time that anyone ever mentioned it, at least in my presence, though it was already an issue in my mind last year. The underlying cause, her fears and her inability to deal with them, was addressed but in a way that I found unsatisfactory: G said words to the effect of "you'll snap out of it all right." I don't think it's that simple, and were I in her shoes I wouldn't have found his comment helpful. There was no suggestion that she might benefit from assistance in this process, e.g. by seeing a therapist; but G is the wrong person for that, he is opposed to therapy with a vehemence that suggests that he's doing some serious repressing of his own.

We haven't had a meaningful conversation about anything personal or truthful in many months, possibly not since a year ago. (Neither of them remembered that conversation, by the way.) I should have forced the issue of U's problems in May, but didn't; and neither did G or U herself; and so the pressure built up to this explosion. In retrospect it's clear that much of the pain of the last eighteen months or so could have been prevented by a few honest discussions at the time: nipped in the bud, to coin a phrase. I am also at fault in the not-seriously-talking: the things I write here and read on your blogs, these non-physical friendships, have taken a place in my mental and emotional life which I cannot (do not) discuss with them.

Boring. Cut to the chase: I'm still in the office for the time being, on a part-time basis. Fact is that the work is running out, the project will be finished by the time I go to Spain and there is no replacement in sight. I explained about wanting needing to get the database running as a business, which primarily means that I need an assistant programmer and tester, and the level of income needed to support this person, and stated that I will probably need to take a full-time job somewhere (this will be discussed at length in a future post).

With that, dear friends, goodnight. I've been rising with and because of the birds for the last few days, 5:30 a.m. to be exact, and I'm bone tired.