Tuesday, November 11, 2008

On answering a good question

Dale asked, "Why do you guys *do* this to yourselves? Isn't life hard enough already?"

Why, indeed, do we do this to ourselves? In my case, I was trying to use NaBloPoMo as a jumper cable to recharge my batteries which had gone flat sometime this last year.

I had hoped that writing every day would help me recover some of the joy that leached out of blogging during this year. That hasn't happened, this posting-every-day routine remains a burdensome duty which I will hereby lay down. (NaBloPoMo that is, I shall continue to blog at semi-random intervals.)

I was also hoping to recover some of the joy that had leached out of my life during this year. I have been living in monochrome for quite a few months now, maybe most of the year. I can't tell you when the colours went missing, I hadn't noticed until quite recently. I had thought that my malaise was situational: everything will be fine once I get the competition finished, once I get the scripts written, once I get the database sorted out. Well, those things have come to pass and I am not fine, and the world is still mostly grey.

Oddly enough, this comes at a time when I am actually working on the state of my soul, trying to bootstrap myself into calm and happiness. My alternative, now principal, Second Life avatar (whose name is not Susan) joined a meditation and discussion group in SL, and the three of us (SL-Udge, Susan and the blogging Udge who is also the physical Me) have been trying out the practices, with much talking and listening and feeling and thinking. It is having an effect, slowly but certainly. That I have spotted the greyness in me is due to the inward looking-and-listening that we have been doing. It is also in large measure due to the assistance and encouragement of many dear SL friends, even if they might have thought that they were asking me to help them. I am very grateful for your kindness and your company, my dears.

I don't know what happens next. I have work to do and enough spirit to get out of bed each morning, I have friends physical and virtual to stand by. For now, I guess that will have to be enough.

I'm done.

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Anonymous sis said...

oh my. I don't know what to say but I feel that someone should say something. Perhaps I've let you down by not pointing out to you the signs that I have been noticing for some time now.

I don't *get* SL so spending hours a day at it wasn't something that I could understand. I now see that that was keeping your nose above water.

Find an FL friend to hug you since ((hugs)) doesn't help the soul as much.

Got any plans for Christmas?

November 11, 2008 at 9:52:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Pacian said...

Good. There are enough unpleasant things to do out of necessity, without taking them on voluntarily.

November 11, 2008 at 10:23:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Dale said...

Hugs, Udge. & Good for SL!

November 12, 2008 at 4:04:00 a.m. GMT+1  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Sorry, haven't run into you in SL in quite a while. I'll try for some morning time, perhaps we can meet up.
Will you be working on the project, now that you have won it?

November 14, 2008 at 6:26:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Gaya said...

*hugs* ^__^

November 16, 2008 at 2:44:00 a.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Beth said...

Not a SL person...but as a distant but hopefully real and caring friend, I do send you a hug and a wish that the color will gradually come back into your life. Glad you aren't beating yourself up over the blog. It's lost luster for a lot of us this year, I think - maybe we're all a bit tired, or even disappointed? I'm trying to remedy that by going round and commenting more - we'll see if it helps, both ways!

November 21, 2008 at 7:49:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Bruce Oksol said...

I understand. It is difficult to post every day. But don't quit posting altogether. I found your blog recently and have now listed your blog as one of the few blogs I follow. You have a great way of writing, and I enjoy checking in periodically. I think the "tenner" you got back in change was one of the most heart-warming stories I've read in some time.

November 24, 2008 at 3:47:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Udge said...

Hello Bruce, welcome aboard! Thanks for the good wishes and the namecheck. I shall not quit blogging altogether, I value it too highly for that.

November 24, 2008 at 4:23:00 p.m. GMT+1  
Blogger Udge said...

And thank you to everyone else too, of course. I'm sorry, I thought I had already replied. Your kind thoughts are appreciated.

November 24, 2008 at 4:24:00 p.m. GMT+1  

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