Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Awake

I'm sick. Only moderately, I believe and hope, but I've been sick off and on for nearly a month now. It started as a sinus infection, for which I had two different antibiotics and a week off work (for the first time in recent memory). The second antibiotic did the trick on my sinuses, mostly, but left a dry cough. Last night, for whatever reason, the cough "itched" so strongly that I've now hacked my way to a murderous sore throat. Guess I'll go see the doc again.

In other news it's Spring here. Tulips are up, lizards are sunning themselves on the windowsill (and getting into the office and running around in piles of paperwork for a half hour before being persuaded to leave again). Went for a walk at the Bärensee with G and U and the kids on the weekend, 20°C and sunny.

In other, other news I'm going mad. I've lost all sense of time: it seems that the kitchen always has a pile of three or four dirty cereal bowls to be washed, meaning that three or four days have gone past since I last looked in the kitchen. Clearly this isn't so, since I had to be there to eat the damned cereal, but … I don't know. Just between you and me, I think I'm arriving at the point where I am so lost, and so worried about being lost, that I can finally admit my "failure" and ask for help.

How does one go about finding a therapist? It was easy in London in the early 90s, I had a friend who happened to be deputy head of social services for a particular borough and asked him for a recommendation; he sent me to his own therapist. Perhaps I'd have the same luck if I just asked around here, but my impression is that German society is less tolerant/respectful of psychotherapy and mental unease than England was. We shall see. I'll ask the doctor, whom I like and trust, whether he can recommend somebody.

One of the topics that came up at the retreat in October was "letting yourself be seen." This is not something that I do, my natural inclination is to dissemble and conceal — despite my blogs and Twitter and Faecesbook and whatever all else. It occurred to me in conversation with a friend in SL that, were I to kill myself, there are only three or four people in the world who wouldn't say "But his life was perfect, he was so happy." (Don't worry, I am not planning to kill myself, not even thinking about it; that was an extreme way of saying that I hide what is going on in my life.)

I'm going to start telling much more of the truth here. I'm not going to say that I'll tell it all, and I'm certainly not going to promise that I'll write regularly or even more frequently, but I'll do my best not to reply with a shaky grin and a please-change-the-topic dismissive "Just fine" whenever somebody, even myself, asks how I am.

Wish me luck.

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4 Comments:

Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Maybe a neighbor is sneaking in and eating your cereal when you're out?

April 6, 2011 at 7:01:00 PM GMT+2  
Anonymous Beth said...

Udge, I do wish you luck and will be reading here to support you. Revealing ourselves is hard, and of course there are degrees of revelation! But I've found that writing fairly honestly on my blog, over the years, has created a greater sense of self as well as a greater sense of connection with others. It's been rewarding and helpful in more ways than I can count.

April 12, 2011 at 8:47:00 PM GMT+2  
Anonymous Beth said...

p.s. Hope you're feeling better.

April 12, 2011 at 8:48:00 PM GMT+2  
Blogger Aggers said...

Oh dear, I'm afraid I only just read this: you seemed to have stopped blogging altogether, so I just got out of the habit of checking, and followed you on Twitter instead. Well, it seems this is one of two things: a) Another of those 'downer periods' you go through sometimes, or b) A genuine 'life-changing' moment. If it *is* (b), then really the sooner you work out what exactly you want/need the better: for this is the salient question that requires an answer- WHAT DO YOU WANT/NEED? You will not be able to take the next step until this question has been *honestly* answered. I am certainly glad you are admitting (finally) that there are issues which need to be addressed and the 'I've got a broom, now where's the carpet' approach solves nothing. Like the Human League said 'End concealing, try revealing, open your heart.' :)

Right, I shall now step down from the pulpit and remove my cassock. Bless you my son.

BTW If you want a tete-a-tete inworld, you know where I am! <3 Aggers.

April 18, 2011 at 1:53:00 PM GMT+2  

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